So Who Is Giselle

I was three months pregnant and had just started to feel strong again after much morning sickness, which was common for my pregnancies. I ran errands all that day, catching up until near exhausted. I started having contractions on and off that evening. My doctor prescribed bed rest and my mother took Josh who was only three. The following morning the contractions became stronger until I felt a slither down the birth canal and held a small still form in the palm of my hand. She was perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes. Her eyes shut in everlasting sleep. She even looked a little like Josh. I had a minute of hysterical grief which I stifled quickly as Josh and my mother walked in the front door. Soberly we packed up to go to the doctor. My baby went into a Ziploc bag.

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In the exam room a nurse briskly handed me a paper gown and told me I just needed to change my plans and refocus. I had had all of one minute to grieve. The doctor came in and reported a separation of the placenta from my uterine wall. He confirmed that the child was a girl. I asked what he would do with the body. He didn't answer directly, just informed me that you don't have funerals for miscarriages. I didn't really expect that but somehow I couldn't see her little body going out with the medical trash. I remember weeping quietly on a gurney waiting for surgery to scrape my empty womb. I felt the love and comfort of God .... a Christian nurse came over to comfort me as well. I asked them to put me out.

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A few hours after waking from surgery I went home and cried some more. It was the most difficult thing that had happened to me up until that point in my life. I was 22. I named my baby girl Ingrid Giselle ... I only know of two women named Ingrid ... both beautiful and elegant ... one a movie star. Ingrid is Scandinavian and means "Ing's ride". Giselle is French and means "covenant". It refers to the covenant promise that Presbyterians are so fond of ..... and God said, "I will be a God to you and to your children after you." I never had a chance to put little Giselle on my lap and explain the love of Jesus but I do believe that God took her everlasting soul to heaven and one day I will see her again. Six months later, on Giselle's due date, I conceived Jesse.

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Previous to this event I did believe that a problem free life was a sign of God' favor. Afterwards I thought God was probably punishing me for this conceit. Perhaps. Sometimes it is difficult to finger a sole cause for your own loss, let alone someone elses. What I do know is that miscarriage is apart of the curse like so many ills in our fallen world. And I do not believe that God protects us from all sadness. Quite the contrary. He lets us experience grief and pain so that we may comfort others with the comfort we have received. I know how to comfort a woman who has miscarried and I know God loves me.

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This past year, Gabrielle told me that she and Jesse were considering naming a daughter Giselle.