On the second day of Christmas my daughter gave to me a room to sleep in Zion. Today is the third day of Christmas and I have tried it out and it is sweet. Thank you Jesus. It may not seem like much until you have spent near sleepless nights or had rude awakenings from terrible dreams .... the dreams going on after you have woken. My troubled sleep has been a symptom of a troubled brain these last four and a half years. My brother died an infant just before I was conceived and formed in the belly of my grieving mother marking me as dreamy little artist child .... easily rocked by life's swell and tempest. All though her grief marked my little brain I was considered a great comfort and the first born in my family.
Losing Giselle at the end of my first trimester was a grief I observed until, as an answer to my prayers, I conceived her brother Jesse upon her due date. I always feel a mixture of loss and compensation over these events of birth and death and .... loss and gifting. Jesse's connection to his sister was often on my mind as I carried him carefully to term and rocked him and the babe in heaven together.
Jesse was a source of great comfort also and the second born, the first being his brother Joshua who was three and a half years his senior. Josh was a melancholy but funny kid. We thought of him as the lawyer in the family as he always had a reason, argument or some defense to render. He was curious too. Jesse was all action and few words. He grew up to be a man who weighed seriously any advice but with a solid sense of humor.
Neither pregnancy was marked by any negative emotion much, but my third pregnancy was spent with a good bit of anxiety over some serious financial losses .... where we would live and what we would do. And lo and behold I gave birth to another dreamy little artist child ... easily rocked by life's swell and tempest and prone to anxiety as well.
I have sent up many prayers to the Father for my third son Caelen .... such that, by the cross, would break any inheritance of the sins of the fathers. He is doing well and so am I. Jesus comes along side and we learn to comfort with the comfort we have received. Then finally there was my fourth child Jonathan. I spent many months in depression before conceiving him on Mother's Day .... God had favored me and I spent that pregnancy much comforted and yet he was born with the cord wrapped round his neck and the symptoms of ADHD, but with a great sense of humor and the ability to lead.
So these are my children .... all five. But I digress. We were talking about Zion and a good nights rest .... and the dearly departed. Before you go rushing off trying to find your way there fellow traveller I would give you a map to Zion so that your sleep would be sweet and perhaps you will be comforted for you cannot take just any route .... there is only one.
Do not directly try to contact the dead for there are many deceiving spirits .... they are of the unholy and wish to lead you further astray and into profound confusion and torment. The only route to Zion and to the Father is through repentance and faith in the atoning work of the risen Son. It was he who said, I am the resurrection and the life. No man comes to the Father but by me. And those who die in the Lord are alive in him. They are safe in Zion a city that takes up no space at all and yet is as endless as the souls, dreams and memories of it's citizens. And there is humor .... they know something of the sadness of earth but with the perspectives of heaven .... Just wait, they will tell you and it will all be worthwhile.
So, you may say, you understand the gospel and know and hold to it's message as a promise here and now to you and your children after you and in the days to come but you have never been caught up to Zion in body or soul. And perhaps there are dearly departed waiting there for you and you would travel there to see and know something of what is waiting there. Let me confess that I did not go looking for Zion or for Giselle. It came to me. I think because someone prayed that I would be helped and Jesus named my daughter "help". But once I knew there was a route to Zion I needed to return. And I found that the only way for me to travel there was in the Holy Spirit. Through repentance of and remission of sin, praise and worship he comes to inhabit us. We lose out of his presence when we allow an evil spirit to take hold through some complaint or other evil emotion.
At first I could go no further then the hills around Zion. Jesus and Giselle would meet me there ... she holds his hand. I could hear my families voices too. The hills are the bad lands that end at the foot of Zion. Here we are subject to evil spirits that wish to provoke us into strife or in some other manner to shame or degrade us. Standing as close to Jesus here or anywhere outside of Zion is a place of refuge and safety for your mortal soul and body, for demons can even cause physical complaint and they ever probe for some breach where they might gain a foothold to separate us from the Father. I am learning to stay close and in touch by the minute .... it is a rest for my soul.
Giselle is not immune to attack outside of Zion. She is a human soul who all though no longer mortal takes the shape of a child in my mind. She resembles me and her Aunt Ruth and most often appears wearing a pink smocked dress and brown mary jane shoes. Her greatest capacity is for joy. I understand that this is because she would have been somewhat sad in her life on earth. My greatest capacity is for peace ... I have lived with my share of unrest and so the Spirit turns us around. Together we have the peace and joy of Christ which wells up in us and to each other.'
I am careful with her though. Not wanting to taint her with life's sin and trouble. I stay close to Jesus so that I will not offend her. This has only helped me ... so she has helped. And she prays for me ... sometimes she needs my prayers .... those in Zion need no prayers and she is there most of the time. It has cost her some personal peace to meet me in shadow land. She tells me that she has always been aware of me from the time she entered heaven and could look down to where I was, crying on the bathroom floor.
It was Jesus who asked her, one day, how she would like it if she could help her mommy. Jesus has a way of giving us choices but really no choice because we can generally tell which is the right choice and so Giselle was all for being mommy's helper. We are compatible .... neither of us actually takes a leading role. We are companions. Her childlike ways make my heart glad. She does ordinary things like kicking stones down a path, or cleaning up ... setting a table. These are the things she would have done as a child in my home. And she does everything with such heart and determination. Confidence too. There, I have pleased and embarrassed her.
No comments:
Post a Comment